When Tantrums Hit: What Not to Do (and What Helps Instead)

Even when we know how we should respond to a tantrum, it can be incredibly hard in the heat of the moment not to react in ways that make things worse. Tantrums are loud, emotional, and often inconvenient — and they tend to hit right when we’re already overwhelmed. Taking time to think about what not to do can help us pause and respond more intentionally.

Don’t invalidate your child’s feelings

What seems “small” or “trivial” to us feels enormous to a toddler. Comments like “It’s not a big deal,” “You’re being ridiculous,” or “There’s nothing to cry about” don’t calm children, they often make them feel misunderstood or ashamed. Instead of minimizing, try acknowledging their perspective:

-“You really wanted the blue cup.”
-Validation doesn’t mean you agree. It simply means you see their experience.

Don’t tell them how to feel

-“Calm down.” “Stop being angry.” “Don’t cry.” These phrases rarely work, for kids or adults. When children are overwhelmed, they need help understanding their emotions, not suppressing them. Try labeling what you see:

-“You’re frustrated the tower fell.”
-When children feel heard, they often settle more quickly because they no longer have to escalate to prove how upset they are.

Don’t lie to avoid a meltdown

-It can be tempting to say the iPad is “broken” or the store is “closed” just to skip the battle. While that might make the next ten minutes easier, honesty builds long-term trust. Clear, calm limits, “We’re not using the iPad today” teach children that boundaries are steady and dependable.

Don’t make it about your feelings

-Saying “You’re making me sad” or “You’re hurting my feelings” places responsibility for your emotions on your child. Kids are still learning to manage their own feelings; they can’t manage ours     too. A healthier model sounds like:
-“I’m starting to feel frustrated, so I’m going to take a breath.” This shows them how to own and regulate emotions.

Don’t take it personally

-In the middle of a meltdown, you might hear: “I hate you!” or “You’re mean!” These words sting, but they’re not a thoughtful character assessment, they’re big feelings spilling over. Staying   steady and calm helps your child feel safe enough to move through the storm.

Don’t use sarcasm

-Sarcasm is confusing and often feels belittling to young children. Comments like “Your life is so hard” or “It’s the end of the world!” may increase shame and escalate distress rather than ease it.

And finally, you will lose your patience sometimes; every parent does. What matters most isn’t perfection; it’s repair. Apologizing, reconnecting, and trying again teaches your child something powerful: relationships can bend without breaking. Tantrums aren’t a sign you’re failing;  they’re a sign your child is learning how to express and handle those big emotions.