Understanding Attachment Styles - Kenosha Achievement Center

Since we’ve been talking about Parenting we should also talk about Attachment styles.

Our attachment starts in the womb, what our parent goes through, their emotional state, and stress all are connected to us. Attachment is the way our caregivers interact with us and how their interactions with us impacts our own relationships and how we see the world. So, let us be aware of our children’s and our own attachment style to be more mindful about how we interact with those around us.

There are four different Attachment styles that have been identified:

-Secure Attachment

-Anxious Attachment

-Avoidant Attachment

-Disorganized Attachment

The ideal Attachment style is Secure Attachment; realistically this is not a possibility for everyone, though as we grow older we are able to change our attachment styles for better or worse.

Secure Attachment

If you are securely attached, typically that means that your caregivers were able to meet your needs as a child, they were always there for you when you needed and they were a pillar in your life that you could lean of for support.

Securely attached people typically have these characteristics:

-Easily trusts others

-Able to communicate their needs effectively

-Able to regulate their own emotions

-Effortlessly connects with others

-Effectively manages conflict in their relationships

-Easily talks about their emotions to others and is open when others talk about their own emotions

In Children: Children feel valued and feel that they are heard when they have something to say. They are comforted when they are hurt or scared by their caregiver. These children feel comfortable going to their caregiver when they need help.

In Adults: Overall, those with a Secure Attachment style are well rounded individuals. They are comfortable expressing their emotions and going to others to discuss their feelings when they need support.

Anxious Attachment (AKA: Preoccupied Attachment/Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment/Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment)

Those with and Anxious Attachment style are just that-Anxious. They tend to be pre-occupied by a fear of rejection and being abandoned by those they love/care for.

Anxiously Attached people typically have these characteristics:

-Feelings of being unworthy

-Highly attuned to criticism

-Low self-esteem

-Feeling of needing to be near others

-Easily distrusts others

-Frequent feelings of jealousy

-Fear of being abandoned or rejected by others just because they are themselves

In Children: These children are often very distraught when separating from their caregivers, but upon their caregiver’s return the child doesn’t seem to want to engage or seek comfort either. These children are more often distrusting of others.

In Adults: These adults may have (unfounded) fear that their friends or loved ones don’t love them. They typically have low self-esteem and need frequent validation and reassurance from others. Adults who are Anxiously Attached often find themselves in a co-dependent relationship and become very distressed when their relationships end.

Avoidant Attachment

Those with an Avoidant Attachment style may have a fear of intimacy and struggle to build meaningful relationships

Avoidantly Attached people typically have these characteristics:

-Often only relies on themselves to solve their problems

-Easily dismisses others

-Struggles to trust others, especially when others try to get close to them

-Often avoid physical and emotional intimacy

-Struggles with commitment issues

In Children: These children often don’t seek comfort from their caregivers, due to their caregivers historically not being available to provide them comfort. However, if a caregiver were to offer comfort they may not turn it down. Avoidantly Attached children don’t seem to have a preference between a stranger or a caregiver.

In Adults: These adults often put little stock in emotional intimacy with partners or friends. They often like to rely on themselves and don’t seek out others for help. In fact they may become upset if someone offers help or attempts to get close to them emotionally. Essentially, those with Avoidant Attachment build a wall around themselves in an attempt to avoid emotional/physical injury, however in turn they are isolated; having no one or very few people to turn to to express their emotions with.

Disorganized Attachment (AKA: Fearful-Avoidant Attachment)

Those with Disorganized Attachment can have inconsistent behaviors and a distrust for others.

Disorganized Attached people typically have these characteristics:

-Struggle to trust others

-Struggle to regulate their own emotions

-Additional signs of Anxious and Avoidant attachment styles

-An intense fear of rejection

-Often they exhibit contradictory and confusing behaviors

In Children: These children may feel that something bad will happen all the time. This usually stems from an inconsistent caregiver. Meaning a caregiver may be comforting one day and dismissive or angry the next. These children may not fully trust their caregiver because of the inconsistency. Children with Disorganized Attachment often has a history of abuse, trauma and/or neglect from their caregivers.

In Adults: These adults want to belong, they want to be wanted by others, but they also have an intense fear of intimacy as well. These adults may seek out a loving relationship only to push their partner away; having this behavior throughout the relationship.

So, what does this all mean for me and my children?

When you have a secure attachment with your child you are giving them a good base to start with; they are able to come to you (or others) for help and are comfortable helping others when needed. But, again just because your child (or yourself) have one of the other attachment styles, it does not mean that they’ll stay in that attachment style. Adults and children can learn to have secure attachments either through experience or therapy, if needed.

How you can form a secure attachment with your child

-Be there when your child needs you. Okay, realistically parents can’t be at their children’s beck and call 24/7. But we can comfort them when they are hurt or scared or when they just need a hug. It also helps to just reach out and connect with your children even if they don’t need it. Giving them a hug or a kiss, and praising them “just because” helps your child know that they are loved and that you want to spend time with them.

-When your child comes to you with a concern be sure to validate their feelings; don’t just dismiss them, telling them to “get over it” or “it’ll be okay”. Make sure they they know that you hear them.

-Engage with your child and their interests/hobbies.

-Just enjoy spending time with one another. You don’t have to do anything in particular, maybe watch a movie, cook/bake, have a meal together or go for a walk. As parents we don’t have to be “on” 24/7 to engage with our children, sometime just being there in the same room and acknowledging them is enough. Sometimes just noticing them can make them feel loved.