Managing The Mental Load

What is “Mental Load”

 

Mental load refers to the unseen mental and emotional effort that is needed to manage the household, ensuring it runs as smoothly as possible. This includes: planning what’s needed for groceries, paying bills, meeting the needs of your children and spouse as well as managing your own work load.

 

Your Mental Load can also be impacted when your children are involved. When you are responsible for managing their emotions; teaching your child how to self-regulate when they are overwhelmed while simultaneously attempting to regulate yourself as to not stress them out more. This in and of itself can be difficult to manage.

 

Results of  Bearing the Brunt of the Mental Load

 

The mental load often falls to the default parent. They’re the one’s who are making all the appointments, following up with doctors, school and other professionals about their children as well as taking on the majority of all the household tasks and bills. You know the 5-9 after your 9-5.

 

This leads the default parent to feel easily and frequently overwhelmed. Which in turn can lead to feelings of resentment towards the default parent’s partner-“why are they able to sit back and relax while I’m trying to cook dinner, manage the toddler’s tantrum and listen to the oldest talk about their day?” all the while thinking about all the tasks that the default parent has to do yet today (which realistically will probably not get done).

 

Along with building resentment, the default parent’s emotional wellbeing can be severely impacted; their individuality can be eroded due to not having time to themselves to engage (or find new) hobbies or just the time to sit in blissful silence with out interruptions.

 

The Invisible Labor

Did you know that the dishes and the laundry don’t just wash themselves, that the kids (more often than not) don’t brush their teeth on their own or that the crumbs on the floor after snack time don’t just disappear?

 

Invisible labor are tasks that are often overlooked and undervalued until the default parent stops doing them; then it’s: “The house is a mess”, or “I don’t have any clean clothes to wear”. It can really be frustrating as the default parent to hear your partner make comments like these. Their intentions may not be to be hurtful, rather just an observation, but they can hurt none the less as you are attempting to do the best you can; prioritizing the most important tasks but still falling short.

 

 

How to Lessen the Load

 

Making A List

Jotting down to-do lists can be rewarding for some people, providing a sense of accomplishment. However, others may find long lists overwhelming; providing a list of things that they have yet to get to. If writing helps clear your mind, embrace it; sometimes just the act of  writing tasks down offers relief by providing a sense of organization. If it adds stress, consider alternative methods like calendars or reminders on your phone to create actionable plans.

 

Enlisting Help

Many people lack support and often face a heavy mental load alone. It’s important to recognize that while challenges can feel overwhelming, there may be opportunities to seek help. Consider ways to lighten your load, such as:

 

-Asking your partner to handle bill payments or put bills on auto pay

 

-Delegating chores to older kids; if old enough they can take on the task of doing their own laundry, cleaning their room and picking up after themselves. 

 

-Budgeting for yard work assistance (neighbor kids are a great resource for this)

 

-Set boundaries with work, friends and family; you don’t have to take on more than you can handle. Saying “No” may feel guilty, however in the long-run it could save you unnecessary stress.

 

Lessening the load can also involve some tough conversations with your partner; not just about redistributing the household responsibilities, but also about your own feelings. Having these conversations can bring up big feelings on both sides, but it can help to approach the conversation with a problem-solving mindset; remember it’s not you against your partner, it’s you and your partner against the problem.

 

Sometimes We Need to Be Okay With Good Enough

If you often lean towards perfectionism, you might find it challenging to acknowledge that not everything requires your full attention, nor does every task you complete need to be completed perfectly. Shifting this mindset can be difficult, but doing so can greatly lighten your mental load.

 

“Good enough” means your mental load can be minimized by prioritizing essential tasks and letting go of non-essential ones. For example, when planning a party, opting for “good enough” might involve skipping tablecloths or asking guests to bring their own drinks, which can reduce stress and enhance enjoyment.

 

Everyone has a mental load, while some may have a much higher tolerance to their mental load if it starts to feel too overwhelming it may be time to consider consulting a mental health professional to help alleviate those feelings. If you prioritize everyone and everything else before yourself, you might be headed towards burnout. And once you hit that wall, it can be difficult to get back on track.