Tantrums After School? Why Does It Happen and What To Do About It

Your child just came home from school and by all accounts (either from their own reports or from their teacher’s report) they had a good day at school. So, why the heck, 5 minutes after they have walked through the door are they having a meltdown?

Why do kids do this, they (seemingly) come home happy and then the next thing you know they’re screaming or are at the very least giving you attitude?

Well, first off, home is your child’s safe space; where they can truly be themselves without having fear of being judged by peers or school staff. Really, as much as it may be frustrating at the time, you should see your child’s tantrum behavior as a good sign-that they are comfortable enough to let go. Some children spend all day at school just holding it together and once they are at home they let all of their frustrations, anxiety and anything else they’ve been holding onto through out the day go. All day, your child has spent listening to their teacher, following directions, dealing with the social hierarchy of their class and all the little things that happen during the day that gets on their nerves. By the time they get home they’re exhausted; and you just so happen to be a convenient and easy target.

So, how can we as parents help our children?

We can’t take take it personally, give your child the benefit of the doubt, especially if you know they’ve had a good day, that they’re not behaving this way on purpose.  What you can do as a parent is take their behavior in stride, but also remain firm with them. An example of this could be asking them to put away their shoes and back pack after they dropped them off at the door. While they may be reluctant to do so and put up a fight, you can offer to help them put their stuff away by giving them an option. You can ask them if they would rather put their back pack away or their shoes; this way your child has been given a choice, a sense of control (which is an option that is not always available in school).

Let your child know that you understand what they’re going though, and that you are proud of them for being able to follow directions and be kind to others in school. What you shouldn’t do is to make comparisons between your child’s behavior at school and at home. Don’t say things like “Your teacher says that you volunteer to clean up! Why don’t you do that here?” or “Your teacher says you are such a good listener at school. Why do I have to raise my voice to get you to respond to me?”. Because remember, your child has different requirements at school than at home, there are more natural consequences to their behaviors at school when they don’t follow directions; i.e.: being ostracized by peers, being bullied, or being labeled as a “bad” kid.

Take some time even if it’s a few minutes to connect with your child. You can talk about their day, read a book with them, watch their favorite TV show or just spend some time cuddling with them. But whatever it is make sure your child knows that you are 100% present and want to be there for them.

If your child struggles to wind down after school, you can try to create a quiet space for them in the home; a place for them to go and get some alone time to decompress from their day until they are ready to interact again. Find a corner of the house that they like and make it comfy with blankets, pillows or stuffed animals. Tell your child that they can use the space when they need a break from the things that are happening around them. What this space should not be used as is a form of punishment. Don’t tell your child to go to the space when you are mad at them; this will make them associate the space with something negative-which defeats it’s purpose. Instead, if you know that they are starting to get wound up, you can make a suggestion or ask them if they would like to utilize their space. Again, it’s giving your child the choice, that sense of control that can help calm them down when they’re feeling as if they have no control.

The important part is, is that you continue to be your child’s safe space; they they continue to feel comfortable being open with you. When you don’t meet their energy, but rather meet them with compassion, understanding and love they’ll continue to be open with you and know that they can come to you whenever they feel overwhelmed or need help.