Bullying 101: Who, Why and How
At some point in everyone’s life we’ve all been bullied and/or have been a bully, it tends to be unavoidable. So, lets learn what bullying is, who is bullied, why bullies do what they do and how we can arm our children with the knowledge of how to deal with bullies.
Who Tends to be Bullied?
Having differences that are outside of the cultural norm (culture meaning the setting in which the bullying takes place, not the overall culture of the general populace): skin color, physical differences, ” people with special needs or have a physical disability, wearing clothing that is considered “different”, having a different sexual orientation than is considered the “norm”, being perceived as “annoying, weak, socially awkward”.
Why? Why do bullies do what they do?
Sometimes, bullies don’t know that they’re being bullies. They could be making comments about another person unknowingly making that person uncomfortable or self conscious about themselves. The bully could think they are just making conversation or making a fairly obvious (to them) statement about the other person. Not that, that’s an excuse-it’s just fact some people don’t have the social awareness that others do.
But, not accounting for that, here are some other reasons why someone might be a bully.
They might feel insecure about themselves; either emotionally, physically or socially
It might give them a feeling of self importance-that they have power over someone or that they have the attention/adoration from their peers when they make their peers laugh
They also might be finding an outlet for some semblance of control in their life and being a bully makes them feel in control
Sometimes, bullying behavior is a learned behavior; bullies may have learned how to be a bully from others at home or other sources
A bully may want to fit in, and they decide that in order to do so they have to follow what others are doing. In doing so, they find themselves being a bully to others to raise their social status
They may be looking for attention in anyway they can get it to fill the need for attention that they are not otherwise getting
They may be impulsive and react with out thinking and response from their peers only stokes the fire
They may struggle with understanding other’s point of view
Bullies may perceive others as a threat regardless of the other person’s intentions. They will lash out first out of fear that they will be hurt so they attempt to get a head of that
How Do Bullies Bully?
Verbal Bullying
Using words in a cruel or hurtful manner: name calling, making fun of others clothing, hair, intelligence, mannerisms, etc.
Physical Bullying
Being physically aggressive with others: pushing, hitting, tripping, punching or touching in inappropriate ways
Relational Bullying
Spreading rumors, spreading lies, or confidential information and manipulating situations or others to their benefit
Cyber Bullying
Bulling via social media, email, text. Usually involves verbal and relational bullying
Sexual Bullying
Using verbal or gestures that are sexual in nature. This includes sexual harassment, sexual jokes, propositioning, showing others explicit images and unwanted touching
Prejudicial Bullying
Bullying based on someone’s beliefs, religion, and sexual orientation
What Can We As Parents do? How Can Our Children Overcome a Bully?
Teaching our children how to advocate for themselves
Teach your child that they have a voice and to use it, especially when they feel hurt or invalidated by others or if they see some one being a bully to someone
Teach your child to use “I” statements. “I don’t like when you “X, Y.Z”
Teach your child that sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away from the situation and not give the other person what they want (attention, validation, or any kind of response really)
Teaching you child coping skills and self confidence can go a long way
Communicating with the School/School Staff/School Administrators
Make an appointment to meet with the teacher/school staff to discuss your concerns
Organize your thoughts to be better prepared for the meeting
Outline your concerns with examples
Have questions ready to ask the teacher/school staff
Develop a plan for the next few weeks and reassemble if needed
Helping our children cope with the aftermath of bullying
Providing a comforting and non-judgmental environment
See if your school system offers social skills groups or if there are any in the community
If your child continues to struggle, it may be a good idea to seek help from a mental health professional
How do We Teach Our Children To Not Be a Bully
Take bullying seriously; ensuring that your child knows that any form of bullying is not acceptable, either in or out of the home.
Teach your child to respect others regardless of their race, religion, culture, sexual orientation, mental health, physical health or if they are differently abled.
Praise your child when you catch them being good and be a good model to them to foster their compassion for others.
How Do We Teach Our Children How To Identify and Standup To Bullies
Teach your child to be an upstander, standing up to those who bully others. Natural consequences to bully’s actions can be a great deterrent; once a bully knows that they don’t have the support from their peers that they think they have, they tend to back down.
What If Your Child IS the Bully?
What do you do if you find out that your child is being a bully to others? Is this a regular occurrence or is this just a one time thing? Is it isolated to one location or is this behavior generalized? Is it towards one specific person or is the behavior indiscriminate?
We can sit down with our child and talk to them; get their side of the story. We can talk about why the behavior wasn’t okay, and how it is harmful to others to behave that way. Role playing is a good way to get the point across. Help them identify why the felt the need to do what they did; was it peer pressure, a feeling of insecurity, a feeling of being left out or maybe they acted out of anger/fear/anxiety. It also may be a good idea to have your child make a formal apology to the person they were bullying; if it’s appropriate.
Want more information? Follow these Resources for more information on Bullying:
Kids Health: Teaching Kids Not to Bully
Parents: How To Deal With Bullying In Schools
Parents: The Smart Way To Talk To Teachers
Parents: How Can I Teach My Kid To Stand Up For Themself?
Child Mind Institute: My Child is a Bully: What Should I Do?